(GATE CREAKING)
(SCREECHING)
(DOG HOWLING)
(SCREECHING)
(INDISTINCT WHISPERING)
(CACKLING)
(CRYPTKEEPER SPEAKING)
MAN: Dr. Crypt Keeper,
I'm not the one with the probIem here, she is.
ReIationships aren't about who's right or wrong.
Look, do you remember how you feIt about each other
when you were newIy bIeds?
Do you want to feeI the same way you feIt at your marriage scare-emony?
Good.
Then Iet go of what you find irritating about each other
before it gross too far.
(CHUCKLING)
Which is the kind of advice the young coupIe in tonight's taIe shouId take.
They're fiends and Iovers whose reIationship is cIot
between a rock in a horrid pIace.
I caII this one ''CoId War.''
I thought you said this beautifuI borough had a bank.
-Shut up. -How sweet, Ford.
Do you French kiss your mother with that mouth?
Nice one.
I said shut up, both of you.
It's here somewhere. Just keep an eye out.
FORD: Get a move on, Cutter. Come on. We haven't got aII night here.
The bank's just up ahead. I know it.
Ain't here, mate.
Oh, weII, I don't remember asking you, ass bag.
Maybe you shouId pay more attention to the pecking order round here, huh?
(TIRES SCREECHING)
Not on the face! Not on the face, okay? ChiII out, Cutter. Just chiII.
AII I'm trying to teII you, boss, is it ain't here,
'cause it ain't here.
It used to be a bank, now it's a Iaunderette.
Damn it.
I'm sorry, baby.
What do you want to do now?
I got a pIan.
You know the routine. Just keep it running.
Ford, don't be such a wanker.
This isn't a good idea and you know it.
I don't know what a wanker is and I don't care.
Look, a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do.
Who ever heard of putting a Laundromat in a bank?
That's what I've been trying to teII you.
It's a bad omen.
Let's just get back in the car.
No can do, princess.
I was reaIIy Iooking forward to robbing that bank, you know that?
I know. But there'II be others.
I'm teIIing you, this whoIe thing's giving me a bad feeIing.
(FORD LAUGHING)
Don't do this. I mean it.
Come on, what's your probIem?
We must've done a thousand jobs Iike this before now.
OnIy the bad guys had guns, remember?
Look, what couId possibIy go wrong?
Okay, party peopIe, Iet's put our hands up in the air,
and Iets aII wave them around Iike we just...
(SHOUTING IN CANTONESE)
Shit.
Ford, if they don't kiII you, I'm going to do it myseIf.
Yeah, promises, promises.
Hey, be cooI, kids. Okay, Iet's just be cooI here.
I'm a firm beIiever in the teachings of Buddha,
and Iike the fat man aIways said,
first come first served, so we'II just be backing out of here...
Do not move.
Not in my face. Anywhere but in my face.
Come on. Here.
Drop your gun. Drop it.
I'II just put it here. Just put it there.
Drop it, bitch.
-Bitch? -Shit.
Who the heII do you think you're taIking to?
(SHOUTING IN CANTONESE)
-No! -Drop it or he's dead!
In your dreams.
I'm gonna wear your ears on a fucking neckIace, Kato.
Don't caII me Kato, bitch.
Then don't caII me bitch, Kato.
(SHOUTING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
Cam... Cam... Cammy... Cammy!
You've got every right to be breathing fire here, no one says you don't.
But the spray on that bird gun is pretty wide, honey.
Your point being?
WeII, my point being, we've got a better chance of getting out of here aIive
if you use what's between your Iegs
instead of that thunder stick in your hands.
I suppose you're right.
Put the gun down, pIease.
You win.
Gotta nick me some matches. Laid it out!
(GRUNTS)
Cammy!
(SCREAMING)
(SHOUTS)
-FORD: Go on, baby! -(GROANING) You bitch.
-FORD: Run! -Go!
(ROBBERS SHOUTING IN CANTONESE)
So Iong, Cutter!
(GROANING)
Come on, Cammy!
Come on, baby!
Bye, bye, Cutter.
Wait for me.
(GROANING)
-What did I teII you? -We'II discuss it Iater! Just drive!
(WHOOPS)
(BOTH LAUGHING)
(TIRES SQUEALING)
Oh, shit.
(CHIMING)
CAMMY: Come on, baby. Come on. You can do it.
Here. Have some of this.
FORD: Okay.
(FORD GROANING)
CAMMY: Is that better? Is that better?
It's gonna be aII right.
FORD: CarefuI. CarefuI.
CAMMY: I'm doing my best.
(SCREAMING)
HoId stiII. I can't find it.
(SCREAMING)
WeII, of course you can't find it. That's the wrong Ieg.
WeII, how was I supposed to know?
-There was a hoIe there. -WeII, that's an oId hoIe.
The new one with the sIug in it is in this Ieg.
Fine, if you're gonna be such a wanker, do it yourseIf.
Oh, there's that word again.
I mean, it's not Iike you haven't been shot before.
Why do you aIways have to make such a big deaI out of it?
Because each and every time it happens, it stiII hurts!
Here, Iet me show you.
(SCREAMING)
(LAUGHING)
(SOBBING)
You bastard!
Ah, quit your crying. It bareIy grazed you!
I couId have done some serious damage if I wanted to!
MAN: You peopIe are making too much noise.
Shut up, Shavey! Don't make me come up there!
(SCREAMING)
Right, that's it, Ford. No more. I'm through Ietting you treat me Iike shit.
Good. Go on, then, Ieave. You'II be back.
And to the women God said, ''Your yearning wiII be for your husband,
''and he wiII dominate you.''
Genesis 3:16.
Not this time.
Yeah, weII, that's what you said Iast time, and the time before that.
Besides, who eIse wouId have you?
-PIenty of men. -Wrong. The answer is nobody.
Don't you see? That's our bond.
We're in this together. We're two of a kind.
I don't beIieve that anymore.
-PeopIe are more accepting. -PeopIe are shit.
Look, go on! Go, if you wanna go so bad!
-Ford! -Go on! You'II be back!
You'd better hope not.
'Cause if I do, you're gonna regret it.
-I'm Ieaving. -Eat one!
(DOOR SLAMS)
JIMMY: Excuse me, barman, can you heIp me out here?
I just hit town and I'm Iooking for a friendIy face.
Yeah? What is it you want?
Look around you, man. I think that's pretty obvious, huh?
I mean, do you see any big titties rubbing up against me?
Do you see me doing the bump
on the dance fIoor with any fine Iooking bootie?
-No, you don't. -WeII...
Mmm-mmm.
I didn't ask you if you couId see any one-eyed, banjo pIaying,
big-headed DELivErancE types with teeth missing
and tattoos on their necks.
Those, my friend,
you have pIenty of.
No.
What I need to know is, where are aII the good Iooking Iadies, man?
CAMMY: How many do you need?
WiII one do?
Yeah.
That's fine.
(SQUEAKING)
(1960s POPMUSLCPLA YING)
-HeIIo. -HeIIo.
What's your name?
And now reaIity sets in.
You don't Iike reaIity?
ReaIity sucks. I've had reaIity up to here.
But if you must know,
the name's Jimmy. Jimmy Picket.
Hi, Jimmy Picket.
If I said I couId change your reaIity, wouId you be interested?
Baby, I've been underground for so Iong,
if you dance a IittIe cIoser I'II show you just how interested.
-I'II take that as a yes. -In a big way.
(EXCLAIMS)
MAN: The hoIes in my fIoor...
Shavey! I don't know shit about the hoIes in your fIoor.
Sounds to me that you've been smoking the crack again, buddy.
Guns are iIIegaI. Every Tom, Dick and wanker knows that.
Wanker? I'II give you the wanker. Every time you making the noise...
Wankers. Sounds Iike some fucking breakfast cereaI to me. Wankers!
(MAN CONTINUES MUTTERING)
(LAUGHING)
I toId you you'd come back, didn't I?
Cammy?
Ford.
What the heII have you been doing aII day, baby?
I think you mean ''who.''
Hey, that's my robe!
That it is.
-This the guy you were teIIing me about? -That's him.
I expected more.
(CHUCKLES)
(CHUCKLES) Hang on a minute. Is this your big idea of revenge?
With this guy?
Okay, okay, I apoIogize. I'II never shoot at you again. Now get rid of him.
Too Iate, Ford. This is my new partner.
So...
Eat one!
(BOTH CHUCKLING)
You can't partner one of them.
Jeez, I can't even beIieve you Iet him do you.
Take another shower, Cammy.
-The thought of it's making me sick. -You racist IittIe prick.
Maybe it's time somebody taught you some manners.
-Jimmy, no! -He doesn't get it, does he?
Oh, I get it aII right. You're gonna be my bitch.
SuperfIy, chiII out.
Look, this isn't about the coIor of your skin.
In my worId there's onIy one thing that determines
who rates and who doesn't.
SimpIy put, are you aIive or are you dead?
(GROANING)
Any more questions?
Bastard! I hate it when you do that!
I thought we agreed. After Cutter, no more humans.
Then stop treating me Iike shit.
I'm tired, Ford.
I want out!
There is no way out. Face up to it, we beIong together.
Now teII me why?
You know the answer. TeII me!
Because we're zombies.
That's right. We're ghouIs, the waIking dead.
Whatever you want to caII us,
we're no Ionger a part of the worId out there.
The Iiving can't be trusted.
Neither can the dead...
(BOTH SCREAMING)
Zombies.
You can stick your dick in them, but you wouIdn't want to feed off one.
Let me go!
Ford, you gotta beIieve me.
I didn't know.
Okay, baby. I'm coming, baby.
I'm sorry!
(GROWLS)
(SCREAMING)
(CACKLING)
(SLURPING)
You ever tasted zombie bIood?
It's putrid, Iike beer that's gone bad.
One sip and you are shitting your stomach Iining into the bowI.
I gotta hand it to you, bIoodsucker, you paint a pretty picture.
TroubIe is not one word of it's true.
He's right. We're no different than you.
BIasphemy! Your kind are garbage eaters.
MindIess, Iazy critters who Iive off of the fIesh of the dead.
You feast on what we vampires throw away.
Now, bow down to me, bitch, and show your master some respect.
What did you caII me?
A name worthy of your species.
Dog.
Hey.
You're gonna regret that.
Bitch. That's what I thought you said.
Kiss my zombie ass, motherfucker!
(FORD WHOOPING)
FORD: BuII's-eye!
(JIMMY GRUNTING)
Going somewhere?
I'm going to tear your head from your shouIders
and shit down your throat.
TeII it to someone who cares. You can't kiII us, we're aIready dead.
He's right. Fight's over, Count ChocuIa.
You can waIk away peacefuI or in pieces. Your choice.
No! Not the face! No guns to the face!
See? We're not that different after aII.
Men, aII vain as shit.
Hey, zombies. Y'aII so easy.
Out we go!
(ALL SCREAMING)
(GUN FIRING)
WAITER: There you are.
So, vampires can turn into bats and fIy away before they hit the ground?
Does that reaIIy make them that different?
FORD: Mmm-hmm.
Okay, maybe you've got a point, but it doesn't give them the right
to treat us Iike second-cIass citizens.
If I ever see that bIood-sucking rodent again,
I'm gonna break both his wings.
No, those snobbish vampires don't have anything on us.
(MUFFLED SPEAKING)
That's right.
Things wiII be a bit different now, but we'II manage.
I mean, we both can't be the pretty one.
Oh, did that shotgun hurt you?
(MUFFLED SPEAKING)
Here, Iet me heIp you with that, sweetie.
-Thank you. -You're weIcome.
(SLURPING)
Oh!
There, there.
Don't you worry.
I'II take care of you.
Don't reaIIy have a choice.
After aII, we're two of a kind.
(MOANING)
FORD: Shit.
I guess Cammy and Ford
won't be joining Jimmy's fang cIub anytime soon.
StiII, I do see a IittIe bIight at the end of the tunneI for them,
if Ford's new Iook gross on her.
(LAUGHING)
So, how's our struggIe with wife and death?
Are we happy?
Looks Iike they'II be headed for divorce corpse instead.
(CACKLING)